Relationship Matterz: Is She Really Happy..Or You Just Think So?

So you think you are making her happy….

Read this:

A woman told her husband of 25 years that she wanted out of the marriage and was getting a divorce.

Shocked, surprised, amazed and amused, the husband responded “Why? I thought we were happy. After all I have done for you? I put a very expensive roof over your head. You drive an expensive car. You wear the finest designer wears that I buy for you? Your kids go to the most expensive private schools. You go on vacation to exotic places your parents never visited? I have loved you since I first met you and I still love you now. What more do you want?

“That, is the point” The woman started

“In that entire speech, how many “we” are there? It is always what you do. Not what we do – as a couple. I have become your project and ceased to be your wife. Your partner. Your lover”.

“You buy beautiful expensive clothes for me, but you never see me in them, or tell me how beautiful I look in them”.

“You put an expensive roof over my head, but you are never under the roof with me”.

“Our kids are not just my kids as you put it. They are ours, and the school they go to is not for my benefit. You are doing it for them”.

“The expensive car you bought me, when have you sat in it with me, or taken me on a drive in it”?

“When you met and fell in love with me, we did a lot of interesting things together like clubbing, going on drives, travelling, go to the cinema, eating out, visiting friends……

When was the last day you took me clubbing…. or anywhere”?

“The exotic vacations I go on are empty because you do not go with me. It’s just me and the kids. Vacations are meant for couples or families. And even though my parents never went on expensive vacations, they do things together and they are happy together. What was the last thing you and I did together”?

“When last did we sit down to gossip, chat, gist and have a laugh together!?

“When you do talk to me, it is usually about your sister and her husband, about your boss, about the car, the bills, your parents, your appointments. You don’t even bother asking me about MY LIFE or things happening in it…and when I do start to talk, you suddenly receive a call on your phone”.

“How often do we have sex? When we first met, we used to sneak and have sex anywhere we could find. Now, we only have sex on……. I cannot even remember”!

“I am only in my 50s. I am still young. I feel young. I am beautiful. I take extremely good care of my health, of my body and my looks. But I am neglected. I feel sexy but I never have sex. I get looks and whistles from sexy young men outside, and I even get tempted – but I am am a God fearing Christian woman. I am loyal to you and I respect my marital vows”.

“I dress up and look like a slay queen, but the only whistles, sexts and dirty pictures I get are from strangers”.

“I feel I am married to myself. Other times, I feel like a single mum. At lest single mums can go on dates”.

“And the only few times that you are actually at home, you are either on your phone, on Facebook or on your various Whatsapp groups. You are there physically, but not with me”

“During the 5 months of lock-down, we barely spoke 10 sentences to each other. And we lived like co-lodgers, not as a married couple”

Yes, I look happy. I look bubbly. I look contented. But I feel empty, lonely, unloved and neglected. If this is what marriage is supposed to be, I do not want it. And if I am going to be single, let me be officially and legally single”

“I am gone”

How many of you guys TALK to your wives to find out what they are actually feeling or thinking. Because what you think, and what she is actually thinking are not always the same. It is said that guys cheat because they want to, because it is what guys do, but women cheat because they feel neglected.

Are you neglecting your wife? Because you just might be sending her away.

You may think you are making her happy. But is she actually happy…..really?

Contrary to what many people think, expensive objects and shiny things cannot make up for the loss, or absence of human contact. And a relationship is not built on the abundance of material things. Without maintaining the mental, emotional and physical connection in a relationship, what follows is the growing apart and a mental distancing situation occurs between the couple. This is where two people are together but not connecting.

Sadly, many people do not seem to understand this, and most men believe material security is all a woman needs to make her happy. And will not know why some will feel unhappy and neglected despite being surrounded by so much wealth and opulence.

Think again.

Then talk to her. Listen to her. Properly


Why I don’t Want To Get Married – Genevieve Nnaji

Nollywood actress, Genevieve Nnaji has revealed in a recent interview why she is scared of getting married.

The veteran movie star of has never been married disclosed that what she is most afraid of is having a failed marriage.

41-year-old Genevieve decided to remain single because she does not want to experience a failed marriage.

“If I get married, I really want to stay married, and staying married is not an easy thing” she said.

She added “It means you are completely in tune with your partner. It means you have found your soul mate and will have to be able to stand a lot of disappointments that would definitely come but then again you have to learn how to forgive.”

Genevieve had her only child, Theodora Chimebuka Nnaji when she was still in secondary school, at the age of 17.

Theodora is now married to her Heartthrob, Prince Chigozie Ikediwa.


Toxic Relationships Also Affect The Kids

I do not care who you are or what gender you describe yourself as. But if you are known as a difficult person, I urge you this morning to please humble yourself, and keep your stubbornness, arrogance, incorrigibility, haughtiness, pride, selfishness and stiff neck in check. Such attitudes and behaviours are the common causes of problems and issues in relationships, and create and promote a toxic atmosphere at home.

And we are not even talking about violence or even aggression here. That is a totally different ball game on another level. This is when one partner’s habitual narcissistic, controlling and domineering behaviour has turned the partner into a complete emotional wreck in their own home.

Read: 8 signs you are stuck in a toxic relationship

But it is not just your spouse or partner that is affected by your difficult behaviour.

Toxic relationships also affect children. The reason we have so many damaged young adults is as a result of the loveless, dysfunctional and toxic homes they came out of. Many people like to lay blame for kids going off the rails on the proliference of single parent (usually lone mother) households. I know this from the days of my 2018 Anti knife crime campaign in London. Part of the feedback I got from most people who reacted to the upsurge in youth killings in London in that particular year, was the assumption that young people – particularly black boys who went out stabbing and killing – or ironically, even getting killed was because of the lack of a male figure of fatherly presence in their lives. In other words, if the boys that killed or got killed were from homes with both father and mother, they will not be on the streets, in gangs and carrying out dastardly acts of violence. and while that may be a partial fact, it cannot be the absolute truth. Firstly because there are many homes and countless kids being brought up by single mums who have never been in any kind of trouble whatsoever. And secondly, being from a home with both parents does not guarantee any prevention from bad behaviour. A lot of kids who live with both parents at home also get into all kinds of trouble.

Being from a home with both parents around is not enough. But the quality of the relationship of those parents is vital to the wholeness of the kids upbringing and development. A kid who sees love in action at home and grows up seeing love and affection displayed and manifested, will undoubtedly grow up as a loving, caring adult.’But a kid who sees nothing at home but abuse, violence, screaming, shouting and weeping every single day of his life will grow up either emotionally damaged or becoming a violent, aggressive and controlling adult as a result of behaviours he learnt at home growing up.

One of the reasons I left my extremely toxic marriage was because I was afraid of the effects it was having on my son and daughters. I was really scared they would grow up knowing nothing good or beautiful about relationships or marriage. But by then, some damage had already been done. It took me many years of prayers and lovingly nurturing my kids as a single mum to repair their damaged mindset about relationships and human behaviour. Nevertheless, you can still hear them sometimes – thank God, not as often – talk about the dysfunctional home they grew up in.

Don’t forget – kids absorb and later emulate what they see from their role models. And YOU, are your kids’ first and main role model.

What behaviours are your kids emulating from you?

Good morning world🙋🏾‍♀️

I_Am BaronessJ💋

Wishing you a very peaceful Sunday.

Relationship and Marriage Matterz💞❤💍

Every woman deserves a man that will treat her with great respect and speak to her the way she wants and needs to be spoken to.

Not the one who will shout and bark orders, commands and instructions like she is his dog; a second rate, “beneath-me” human, and not his equal.

Girl, you are his “help-mate”, not his “omo-odo” (housemaid) or gateman!

If he acts like he is better than you, then you have NO BUSINESS being with him!

And YOU are probably better than him and he is simply trying to bring you down to his level!

Baroness J💋


Matured Speak: Will You Pass The Clit Test?

Article from British Vogue

You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who hasn’t watched Meg Ryan apparently reaching a climax in a packed diner in When Harry Met Sally, the hit Nora Ephron movie that had everyone talking about faking orgasms back in 1989. Ryan’s infamous performance was for comic effect, but 30 years on, the women behind the Clit Test argue that actual sex scenes are still a long way from a convincing depiction of female pleasure (and what it takes to get there) – which is why they’re hellbent on seeing more realistic portrayals of intercourse on screen.


“Our culture still acts like the clitoris is a kind of secret or just something that might occasionally get involved in sex, but in terms of pleasure, the clit is really the equivalent of the penis,” campaign founder Frances Rayner tells British Vogue. “We’d think it ludicrous for a man to have sex without his penis ever getting a look in. But so often the sex we see on screen ignores the clitoris entirely.” Maybe that’s why, in addition to the iconic fashion moments, women (and men) loved HBO’s Sex And The City. The clitoris frequently cropped up in conversation over brunch (thank you, Samantha Jones), and while the show celebrated all of the good things about sex, it didn’t gloss over the bad and the ugly parts in the process. But SATC sadly left our screens over 16 years ago.

In 2020, TV and film’s portrayal of women’s sexual pleasure needs to catch up with reality. “Numerous academics have pointed out that this misleading ‘sexual script’ is one of the main reasons women and girls who have sex with men have alarming rates of disappointing, bad and even painful sex,” explains Rayner.

One such academic is Professor Elisabeth Lloyd, author of The Case of the Female Orgasm, whose research proves the campaign – which she’s backing – is long overdue. “In both Hollywood films and porn, the sex act is portrayed so it represents only about 6-10 per cent of women’s response,” she says. “That’s how many women have an orgasm with plain intercourse, without additional clitoral stimulation. The fact that Hollywood films and porn choose to misrepresent the experience of 90-94 per cent of women needs to change.”

It’s this same frustration that led Rayner (a 34-year-old straight cis woman, who works for a charity in Glasgow), and Irene Tortajada (a 25-year-old cis bi woman, who works for a charity in London), to come together to try to change things. The result is the Clit Test, which celebrates those films and shows that do acknowledge the existence of the clitoris, and its importance.

“We worked together for a few months when she [Tortajada] was living in Glasgow and quickly became friends,” says Rayner. “I took a four-day a week job 18 months ago to give me time to finally make the Clit Test happen, as I think the sex script has a really bad impact on women’s lives, and it’s just some outdated nonsense we can easily fix.

I’ve grown frustrated with sex scenes I see on TV, which always seemed to involve a woman reaching orgasm through penis-in-vagina sex. Very rarely do they feature the sex acts we know most reliably bring women and people with vulvas to climax – like receiving oral sex or having their vulva touched with either hands or a vibrator.”

Tortajada and Rayner

Maybe that’s why the BBC’s TV adaptation of Sally Rooney’s Normal People was heaped with praise for its realistic sex scenes (the book that inspired it also attempts to destigmatise another taboo: period sex).

However, the clitoris is never actually mentioned in the show. So, which films and shows do pass the Clit Test? “Michaela Cole’s Chewing Gum is one of my favourites,” says Rayner. “It consistently passes throughout and it’s just such a funny, well-written account of a teenage girl who is both horny and in control, and also very confused by the minimal sex education that she is getting from mainstream porn and friends.”

It’s something Rayner relates to. “My awakening came when I was 20 after I read The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study Of Female Sexuality for a gender studies module at university. In her landmark 1976 study, Shere Hite found that only 1.5 per cent of women masturbated through penetration, whereas 86 per cent said they only ever touched the outside of their vulva. The remaining 12 per cent of women who masturbated did both.

I was astonished to learn not only the stats themselves but the fact that this was widely published at the time. It turned out I was entirely normal – the weird thing was that the definition of what sex is in our culture is something that only works for people with penises.”Therein lies the issue: most of the sex we see on screen is through a male lens.

When women are writing the script, we get to see it laid bare. “Another one I really liked was Aisling Bea’s This Way Up,” says Rayner. “When Freddie and Áine have penetrative sex after he comes and they lie back down he asks if he can make her come.

This shouldn’t be revolutionary, but even just acknowledging that a woman won’t have come from penetration is a huge step forward. There are lots of other good examples like BooksmartSuccession and Orange is the New Black.”

Tortajada and Rayner say they have been showered with “amazingly positive” responses to their campaign. “We’ve had support from Professor Elisabeth Lloyd, Dr Laurie Mintz, a lecturer in human sexuality and author of Becoming Cliterate, Golden Globe and Emmy-winner Rachel Bloom, and bestselling author Holly Bourne,” says Rayner. “A lot of women have reached out on Instagram to say thank you for raising something that is long overdue. We’re keen to make it a positive, inclusive campaign that celebrates women and our sexuality – we more often praise the passes than slate the fails. Ultimately, we want to see more clit-friendly sex acts on screen.”

Culled from British Vogue

More from British Vogue:

By Sophie Wilkinson



There is a certain age you get to and you are able to decide, “Heck, I don’t care what people say. This is about me – and this shit just ain’t working FOR ME” (pardon my language but we are being RAW AND HONEST here)
How many more years are left for us especially those of us in our 50s that we will fester and rot in the toxicity of a baaad relationship? Middle/old age is about retirement in peace and blissful rest. Not in depression, bitterness and hate! Getting stuck in the wrong relationship because of some false sake of “stability” is not smart. It is stupid and unhealthy!
Work hard and do all you can to make your relationship what you BOTH want it to be. However, this does not always work, and some people are not always willing to put in the required effort leaving their partner miserable, unhappy, unloved and unfulfilled..
Must you continue to live your life in such unhappiness?
Would you stay in the same job where you are faced with daily bullying and harassment? Hell No!
Why then would people consider remaining in a relationship where each day is a battle?
Stay single… and enjoy your own space and peace of mind – in the serene comfort of your own solitude….
Or try out different relationships till you find the one that really works and mutually benefits both of you, and you can live out the rest of your lives together in peace and happiness. But do not get stuck in the wrong one!
Old age comes with its own health issues. Do you want to be a pensioner with cardiovascular heart problems, diabetes, early Alzheimers disease…..and domestic abuse/mental torture??
I don tink so! (In Gina Yashere’s voice)
I recently read of a man in his 90s divorcing his wife of over 70 years??? That’s right – I am as confused as you are.
But that is what happens when you put up with the wrong partner! You go and do something as unbelievable as filling for divorce when your life is almost over – after living most of it in misery.
Do not be a martyr. If you died and God asked you what you did with your life – would you tell Him you spent it being sad, miserable and depressed in a bad romance? How does that even glorify your maker??
Don’t stay put in a toxic relationship. Get OUT!!!
©Baroness J


Available does not always mean suitable

If like me, you have been married but are now divorced, it is quite possibly because your union was never God-ordained and you made a ghastly mistake in your choice of spouse. Simple.

Because if it was God-ordained, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING would be (have been) able to break you apart. Even though the wildest storms, and with all kinds of highs & lows, you will still find a way to stay together.

Many people married their true friends and soul mates, God-ordained and heaven-sent partners.

Others married their worst nightmare. Enemies in the guise of a lover. Demons from the very pit of hell. And their homes are a constant battlefield. Like hell on earth🔥🔥🔥

People they should never have had a drink with – talk less of sharing a bed or a home! There is a reason why we each have our types – but we often tend to overlook this very vital factor. And this is not just about how they look or speak…

Parents and those of us from the older generation must please advise our young ones. Marriage is not about how you feel “down there” or about how tall and smooth and how beautiful they are.
It is not about family connections or career prospects.
It is not about kitchen or bedroom prowess
It is not about material wealth or financial attraction.

It is not even about making you laugh. If you need a good laugh, attend one of the shows of our talented comedians Akpos UK or MC Mark

Marriage is about your life and placing it in the hands of someone who should be able to lay down theirs for it.

Someone whose greatest mission in life is to see you contented, celebrated, progressing in life, successful and untouched by anything that can upset you or make you cry

Sadly, the mission of many toxic spouses is the exact opposite. Many “spouses” go to bed dreaming up schemes, and wake up planning ways to ruin the day for their partner – EVERY DAY!

Unfortunately, such people do not carry a label of their real nature or character on their foreheads and they can be excellent at hiding their true colours from prospective partners.

Many partners only realise the horrible choice they have made AFTER the wedding! When it is too late to unmake the unfortunate choice or undo the ghastly mistake.

Such persons can only be revealed by Divine Revelation – before you join yourself to them. By wholeheartedly and genuinely through prayers, seeking the face of God and his will for your life, acknowledging Him as the author of marriage and the giver of Godly marriage partners, and by letting Him direct your choices.
When you do all these, you will never go wrong in a marriage.

The heart of man is desperately wicked, who can know it – EXCEPT GOD!

Many people, even if still living together as husband and wife, are constantly at war, living together as sworn enemies or strangers – because they failed to seek the will of God…and instead, listened to parents, friends or their genitals!

YES! Even parents can get it wrong sometimes. “Marry that boy. I know his parents. His father was my senior in school…..” But they do not know the boy himself, and such naive parental advice has landed many children in trouble!

Many demons are walking in our midst in human clothing and with human faces. Many families do have them, and they know them. But outsiders don’t☹

Unfortunately, so many people did not have the benefit of this knowledge. And without the benefit of Godly counsel before they made this delicate life choice, have paid huge prices for this. And it is also the reason we have so many divorces today. Even in the church.
But we can save our kids this unnecessary heartache by giving them frank advice guidance and counsel.

It will also help if parents do not pressurise our kids into a hasty marriage. We must let them settle down mentally and only make the commitment when they are emotionally ready and mature for the role of husband or wife. maturity is not determined by age. Therefore, that a girl is 25 or even 30 does not mean she is ready to settle down and bear the heavy load of marriage. And this lack of maturity can also lead many to jump at a proposal from the most unsuitable candidate without carrying out a proper study and analysis of the nature and character of the person they have promised to get married to.

That someone is available, does not make them suitable. The devil himself can appear in the guise of the holiest angel.

©Baroness J